Earlier this week, I featured Dancing Upon Barren Land: Prayer, Scripture Reflections, and Hope for Infertility by Lesli A. Westfall. Today she joins me here on Story Matters to share her story as well as her thoughts on some issues surrounding this sensitive topic.

Lesli, welcome. Infertility is a problem far more couples face than most of us realize. Can you share a few statistics with us?

• Infertility is one in six American Couples (15% of couples), one in 13 women, even more worldwide.
• It’s a misconception to think it’s just a female problem. The breakdown of infertility/sterility is ⅓ female, ⅓ male, and ⅓ a combination of both male and female, or unexplained infertility.
• The term “delayed parenting” is when couples choose to begin their families later in life. Therefore age is the most important issue in conceiving. This is consistent with our present-day culture.
• The World Health Organization in 2009 defined infertility as a disease.

Can you tell us a little bit about your own struggle with infertility?

For me, as a young child I had always dreamed of being married and having children. Once I did marry, we waited to start a family. Our goal was to further our careers and to save up enough money to put a hefty down payment on a house—essentially what is now called within the fertility world “delayed parenting.”  Yet, there would be days I’d have this intense longing.

It was during a Mother’s Day church service when the pastor spoke on barrenness that stirred in me that childhood dream to have children. I left the church that day feeling a sense of peace and purpose in my life, to become a mother, finally. Since I had such a profound impression of God’s purpose in the Mother’s Day service, I just assumed that I would get pregnant easily, so I did not obtain diagnostic testing for my infertility.

As the months and years passed, no pregnancy.  Eventually, I saw the first fertility specialist at the age of 40, which for most medical professionals would be too late in life.  I had diagnostic tests, which revealed a few problems, and I had surgeries to correct them along with medicines to balance hormones. But still no baby after the corrective surgeries and thousands of dollars spent.

I sought another fertility specialist and went through additional treatments. With the last treatment, we were given the news, “With your age and egg maturity there is no hope for you to conceive.” I felt as if those words left me lifeless. I felt as if something died within my heart. The only thing I could think of to do after receiving this terrible report was to turn to God. I prayed asking God to mend my broken heart, which was shattered in a million pieces. Truly, he supernaturally brought healing to my confused mind and broken emotions.

What does it mean to dance upon barren land?

Dancing upon barren land means to enjoy life now, to live life while you wait for life in your womb or to hold your adopted baby in your arms. You can learn to “dance” by discovering who you are in Christ, enjoying the relationships around you and exploring your passions and pursuing them along the journey to parenthood. I expand more on this in chapter five of the book, Living Life While You Wait. This scripture sums up “dancing upon barren land” in Romans 15:13: “Now may the God of hope fill you with all joy and peace in believing as you abound in hope by the power of the Holy Spirit.”

 What lessons has God taught you through your journey?

• I can’t make things happen. No matter how hard I try in my own strength, I can’t make a baby just appear. I’ve learned to trust God, His timing and His ways, even when I don’t understand (Proverbs 3:5-6).
•  Be led by peace and be in agreement with your spouse. There were many options presented along our fertility journey. Each fertility journey is different for each couple, so what might be the right plan or fertility treatment for one couple might not be the best plan for you. Asking God for peace through the process, discussing with my spouse all of the options and then coming to a mutual agreement has helped us tremendously.
•  God is in the “now.”  We can tend to focus on God for the end result—the answered prayer of a child of our own—but we fail to recognize God is with us during the journey. I discovered He is with me now, to help me during the pain, disappointment, misunderstanding and confusion.

Dancing Upon Barren Land focuses on specific prayers for women to pray concerning their infertility. What are some of the things you encourage women to pray for?

First of all, I encourage them never to give up on praying for the desires of their heart even though their journey has been long or full of misunderstanding. Peace for their mind and emotions within their relationships and their fertility options. For God’s perfect will to be done and their hearts to be open to His will and plan on how to grow their families.

Even if a person means well and doesn’t set out to hurt any feelings, what are some of the things that you should never say to a couple struggling with infertility?

• Give up. Let it go. It will happen.
• Just go and get drunk.
• Just relax.
• Just adopt.
• You’re too old to have a child.
• It’s not the end of the world if you don’t have kids!
• Can I have some grandchildren, please?
• It will happen when you are least expecting it.
• At least you are an aunt and uncle, that’s fun!
• Complain about your own children

What are some of the words of hope someone could and should say to a woman facing infertility?

• I am here for you.
• I’ll be praying for you and your spouse.
• Non-selfish comments
• If couple is pursuing fertility treatments, voice interest.
• Give a call on Mother’s/Father’s Day.
• Don’t say anything, just listen and encourage.
• Be their biggest cheerleader.

Find out more about Lesli, and the Dancing Upon Barren Land book and ministry at www.DancingUponBarrenLand.com, or on Facebook and Twitter (@DUBLhope).

Click here to watch the Dancing Upon Barren Land video which features eight individuals sharing their stories about the journey through infertility.